To Move On
by BaronessBlixen
Summary: Set right after 01.07 "The Heart is a Lonely Hunter": Emma tries to deal with Graham's death in her own way. Mary Margaret just tries to help.


**A/N:** This is for Kristen3, because she wanted me to write an OUAT story she could actually read! Sort of inspired by Jennifer Morrison's tweet about how Emma wears the shoe lace from Graham's boot around her wrist (which is just asdfghjkl). I'm afraid this is more Emma/Mary Margaret friendship than anything else. The story simply took me there and not anywhere else. Hope you enjoy!

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"I'll take care of her." Emma heard the hushed voice of Mary Margaret and the door to the apartment closing softly. Then there was silence; except for one little thing: her beating heart. It went on beating as if nothing had happened; as if Graham's heart hadn't just stopped hours ago. He had been looking for his heart, she recalled miserably. The tears had dried up and were replaced by anger. Restless took possession of her. The walls of the apartment that wasn't even hers seemed to be closing in on her; she had to leave. Emma jumped off the bed and almost crashed into Mary Margaret. She, too, had tears in her eyes.

"Are you going somewhere?" The confusion in her voice was unmistakable.

"I need to…I have to…" There was no way Emma was going to shed more tears. Not in front of Mary Margaret, who looked ready to break down herself.

"Emma, I know-"

"No, you don't know." Mary Margaret recoiled from the coldness in Emma's voice.

"This is all your fault." Emma mumbled as she angrily put on a jacket. She was about to leave when Mary Margaret stopped her.

"What do you mean this is my fault?"

"You told me I had to let my walls down!" Emma yelled. "None of this would have happened if…" But she didn't finish. Her knees buckled and she wanted to push Mary Margaret away, because she hated being this vulnerable.

"Shh, come here." For her new found friend all of this different; she didn't care about letting her guard down. She wore her feelings on her sleeve. Emma hesitantly accepted the comfort, but she couldn't deny the pain she felt. Every touch hurt and she was afraid to lose more of this. Ever since she'd come here, she had let too many people in. Most of all Henry. Somehow that kid had sneaked into her heart. She couldn't imagine her life without him anymore. Then there were Mary Margaret and Graham. Two friends – and something more. She had denied herself feelings of trust and love for so long. Emma knew what happened when she let feelings in and when she let them take over. She had sworn herself to never let it happen again. Yet, it had. Regina had been right about one thing after all: There was a reason she was alone.

"I know it's painful." The whispered words did nothing to soothe her, because Emma knew this pain. Her best friends were abandonment, disappointment and loss. They seemed to be following her wherever she went. As soon as she opened her heart, it had to break. She could still feel the warmth of Graham's lips on hers when she closed her eyes. The scene was etched on her mind. It was as if she'd merely seen it; a movie of sorts. She didn't want to feel it anymore. The enormous joy she had felt upon looking into his eyes and seeing something there she hadn't allowed herself to see for so long.

She tried not to replay it – her own horror movie – but her mind wouldn't listen. She was back there at the sheriff station with him. In the artificial light of the room that illuminated the darkness, she let herself watch him through vulnerable eyes. She'd always known how attractive he was; she had just never let it get to her. But it was different, because she saw him through different eyes. She remembered Mary Margaret words and knew she was right. Her walls were too high and he was there and his eyes were so soft. At that moment Emma felt like she could lose herself in his eyes, in him. She would not drown; he would save her. Like she had saved him. Emma felt like maybe she could share some of the world's weight with him.

She was going to take the leap. The leap she hadn't dared to take for years. It was like she'd told Mary Margaret: one-night stands were as far as she ever went. Her friend didn't know about her past, but she couldn't deny herself this. It felt right; for the first time in a while it felt incredibly right. Emma was scared beyond words. She knew any word would fail her anyway, because she couldn't explain this to him. Her desire to do this – to take this leap of trust – was so much greater than her fear. She knew it had to be her who initiated it the second time. Taking the step, taking the leap was so much harder than Emma remembered. He was just standing there with that look in his eyes that told her he would wait forever. Somehow she just knew that about him. A part buried deep inside of her seemed to know him, to recognize him. Before she allowed herself to fall, she closed her eyes. Just for Emma Swan, bliss never did last.

She opened her eyes again, back in the apartment and in Mary Margaret's arms. How gladly would she have traded this emotional turmoil for a black eye, a broken bone or any kind of wound. Emma didn't mind physical pain. What she couldn't handle was the emotional hurt. She clung to Mary Margaret and hated herself for it. It had to stop, she knew. Lock up her heart again, look up and move on. It was a procedure she knew all too well.

"I'm here for you." The words tore at her heart. No one was ever there for her. Not really.

"I think I… need to be alone. I'm sorry, Mary Margaret." Emma broke the embrace and avoided eye contact. She stared at the door longingly.

"Emma, please don't leave. I won't bother you, just… stay here. Please." Once again she had to take a leap; Emma nodded and shuffled back to the couch.

"No, come on." Mary Margaret took her hand and Emma let herself be led. Just for tonight, she promised herself. She would let someone else take care of her for just this one time. Emma lay down on Mary Margaret's bed and she felt the other woman cover her up with a blanket. She almost felt warm again.

"Thank you." Emma mumbled and remembered hearing those words from Graham. The last words he would ever say to her. Tears clouded her vision and she closed her eyes in pain. Mary Margaret didn't leave her side for one moment. When Emma awoke some time later after having fallen asleep eventually, her friend was still there.

"How long did I sleep?"

"It doesn't matter, Emma."

"No, I need to see Henry. I can't just…"

"He really shouldn't see you like this." Mary Margaret almost posed it as a question. After a moment of internal struggle, Emma had to agree. She didn't even know what time it was. For all she knew it was still the middle of the night. As much as it pained her, by the time she got to Henry, Regina would have most likely informed him about what had happened.

"I'll just…"

"Sleep." It was a gentle order. Emma obeyed, but when she woke up again two hours later she told Mary Margaret she was fine. It was her new favorite expression for the next two weeks. One night, she had promised herself. Others hardly ever came through on their promises, Emma however did. Whenever anyone tried to make her talk about Graham, she would brush them off. Two weeks it lasted.

"I thought you'd take Graham's things." Mary Margaret greeted Emma one day as soon as she stepped through the door.

"What…" News travelled fast in small towns, Emma was still learning. Boston had been so different. She could have grieved in peace there. But Henry wouldn't have been there. The small boy whose eyes had grown sad again was the anchor that still kept her in this town. Just like she had told Gold, she didn't want a keepsake. She wasn't sentimental. The more things she assembled, the more difficult it would be to just leave.

"I'm sorry, I know it's none of my business-"

"You're right, it's not." Emma grumbled.

"Don't you think you should keep something of him? Just to… remember him?"

"I appreciate your concern, Mary Margaret, but I really don't want to talk about this." Like a sulking teenager, Emma simply fled the apartment. With Regina trying to take away her position as sheriff she had enough on her plate. She didn't need a friend acting like a mother when she had no idea why Emma was behaving the way she did.

"And the walls are back up." Mary Margaret whispered sadly as the door slammed.

Aimlessly, Emma walked through Storybrooke. People threw strange glances at her, which was nothing new. She simply ignored them and kept walking. She ended up in the forest where she thought she saw Graham's wolf. He, too, seemed to have left. The cold air soon reminded her that it was time to head back. Home, she added automatically. She wasn't sure whether living with Mary Margaret was home, but it came close to it. When Emma walked past the sheriff station, she felt the urgent need to go inside. She'd been there every day since Graham's death, because it was her job. That night she needed to be there to feel closer to him.

Emma switched on the light and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw a box on her desk. She immediately recognized it; it was the box that contained Graham's belongings. Who had dropped it off there? The question distracted her as she walked closer. Her hand hovered over it as if afraid to touch it. In a way, she was afraid. She'd spent the last two weeks trying to forget. As soon as she touched this… the memories would come back. Again.

Two weeks ago, right here in this office, she had taken a leap. Emma decided to do it again. Her hands quickly worked to open the box. Much like her, Graham didn't have many personal things. Every item she touched caused her unbearable pain. Emma knew she couldn't keep any of this. These things didn't belong to her. Still, Mary Margaret's voice rang in her ears. Absent-mindedly she touched her necklace. A reminder of love lost and trust ruined. Graham had shown her that maybe… maybe it didn't have to be that way. Emma wanted to treasure that feeling forever. She wanted to bind it around her heart, to hold it together and make it heal. Right at that moment her eyes landed on his boots. He'd often had complained that the laces would just come undone. That had always made Emma smile; and the memory did, too. Carefully she entangled one of the shoe laces and relished the touch of the raw fabric against her skin. Quickly she bound it tightly around her wrist. She stared at it, knowing that Graham would always be with her. Her pulse beat strongly against the laces and Emma felt alive.

Time to move on; move on and don't forget.

**END**


End file.
